Men, having trouble with the eyes? Bounce them!
So, this past holiday weekend I spent some time with my family, hanging out and chatting. One of my cousins is moving to South Carolina with his girlfriend (nice young girl) and he said some things I heard often growing up, going through college, and well into my adult life. Heck, I’ve even said them in my past, but after marrying and growing up a bit (mentally and spiritually) I made the decision that I wouldn’t think that way. Here’s some of the things said:
“As long as I don’t touch, I can look all I want”
“I’m not cheating by looking”
You can add the things you’ve heard or even said to that short list if you’d like, but it all boils down to one thing: looking lustfully at anyone other than your own girlfriend or wife hurts her and your relationship with her. I’m not talking from any religious standpoint here. I’m talking from a worldly view from both my own as well as other’s experiences. You can think all you want that what goes on inside your head doesn’t hurt others, but it wears away at your relationship. It takes your focus away from your wife or girlfriend and puts it on someone who isn’t yours to think about.
That’s why in this article, I’m going to teach you something very simple. However, I’m not going to say it’ll be easy, but if you’re walking on that ledge and want to jump into a better, healthier relationship with your partner AND yourself, then practice this techique often:
BOUNCE YOUR EYES!
I must admit, I got this technique from an awesome book Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker titled Every Man’s Battle. When I say this technique is simple, I mean it’s simple:
- When you see something that might tempt you, you’ll know it immediately. This counts for people, print ads, billboards, tv ads or shows, movies, etc.
- Quickly bounce your eyes to something else. If that new person/object might tempt you, keep bouncing until you land on something that doesn’t.
- Avoid situations that will cause temptation. For example, avoid going to Hooters (cause really their food isn’t all that good, and you can get the wings to-go). Also, ask your partner to remove the Victoria’s Secret catalogues from your access.
You want to know how I know that you have these problems? It’s because all men produce testosterone, which causes our lustful feelings. So, outside of hormone therapy (I don’t suggest it), we must train our mind and our eyes to move to something that won’t cause them to think impure thoughts.
For example, today my wife and I were running at a track. A young woman (in her 20’s, as am I) happened to be running in the lane ahead of me (about 30 yards ahead). I found her attractive, and battled briefly with the thought of saying nothing and honing in my eyes to her body as we ran. However, I made the choice to tell my wife that I should go to the next lane over so she wouldn’t be in my direct line of site. That little 3 foot shift helped tremendously! I was able to focus my eyes straight ahead while running and had to fight far less often when they thought to wander. This example shows both avoiding tempting situations as well as bouncing the eyes away from something (someone) tempting).
After leaving the track (we ran home), an SUV crossed our path with a father and teenage son inside. The father was driving and wearing sunglasses, but was clearing oggling my wife. I thought 2 things: 1) yeah, my wife’s still hot and 2) that creepy old guy with his son in the passenger seat thinks his sunglasses are hiding his eyes, but his head following my wife as he drives by doesn’t lie. Now, I don’t think I want other men thinking of themselves with my wife, and that gets me to understand more about why I should respect women. Either they are someone else’s wife/girlfriend or eventually they will be some day. Every Man’s Battle explains that “they’re not yours”.
The next post on this topic will be directed to the wives and girlfriends to encourage you to assist your man, and other men, with this battle. Believe me, all men go through this battle (the ones with testosterone I guess), so he’s not a pervert just because of his natural tendencies. However, it’s up to him to help train his eyes to bounce away from temptation and prove he can overcome his instincts!
I don’t necessarily agree with your statement. While I agreed on your other post that socializing or becoming friendly with a member of the opposite sex is dangerous, I don’t agree that looking falls under the same rules.
The reason I don’t think being “friendly” with the opposite sex is a good idea is because you can become close with that person, forming emotional bonds, possibly causing relationship problems with your significant other.
However, looking at someone doesn’t create a bond, and you don’t get any closer to that person, so I don’t necessarily think it has the same impact on a relationship. My wife and I both have one of those “look but don’t touch” agreements, and it has worked fine over the years (we’ve been married for 7 years now). She even helps pointing out “hot chicks” for me if we’re walking around. She can multi task better, so she often notices these things before me.
Anyway, I have temptation to look, and sure, instinctively I’m sure that my body would enjoy having sex with every hot woman I see, but it doesn’t cause problems beyond that. I don’t know these people, they’re just pictures in a book, someone walking down the street, etc.
I guess what I’m saying is that I haven’t had this practice cause any problems with my relationship, while I have had talking / other bonding experiences cause problems.
As for your opinion that you don’t want other people looking at your woman, imagining themselves with her, I think people are different. In my circle of friends, it’s a compliment to say that you think your friends wife is pretty smoking hot. I would have just reaction A above, thinking “darn right my wife is hot, but you can’t have her, ho ho ho”.
At least in my opinion, your second reaction appears to be a jealousy reaction, which I’ve classified as a negative trait. I believe (and it appears to be true) that if I’m confident enough, I shouldn’t be jealous of others. IE, I just have the “darn right” reaction, rather than they “hey, stop that” reaction. Now the reason I believe this to be the case, is because I used to have less confidence, and people looking at my wife bothered me a bit. With more confidence, this problem went away.
Finally, I think possibly some of your reaction is a religious reaction, which I won’t address, since I disagree with that on principal 🙂
I wouldn’t say my reaction is necessarily religious. I’m very confident my wife would never consider leaving me for someone else. She MAY leave me, but only if I REALLY screw up, and rightfully so. By that I mean abusing her or cheating on her. Honestly, that against our vows, thus it voids my promise to her.
But thanks for the constructive criticism and response!
CD,.. I don’t know if you still monitor responses on old posts, so this may go unnoticed,.. but I really think you should have more posts like this on your blog. It’s turned into such a financial blog (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but as you have in your header, “Family, Marriage, Finances, Life” I thought this was supposed to be more than just financial advice.
By the way, I agree with your perspective here. Although I would say that not all looking is done lustfully. In your running example, sure,.. that there is the beginning of lust. And you’re right, Victoria’s Secret catalogs don’t help matters either. But at the same time, there is nothing wrong with looking at someone and saying that they are attractive or pretty. The difference is what’s in your heart when you’re using your eyes.
As a woman, I appreciate the respectful base you’re working from here. I mean, it’s flattering to know that men think you’re good looking, but guys who turn their heads as you walk along, even when you’re obviously with someone … it’s not respectful, like you said. Not only to the woman sitting beside them, but to the stranger who has done nothing to invite the insult.
Bouncing the gaze is a conscientious choice, one that not many people would make, but I’m glad there are people out there who try to do it. (I try not to ogle cute guys at the gym — or move over a lane, like you said — because I would not want anyone to be staring at me when I run.)
Wow, I could not agree more.There is a lot of things I could say about how I agree with you, but let me just sum it up by saying that “I couldn’t have said it better myself.” Unless, I suppose, I was a man.Anyway, my husband admitted that he used to have a problem with this, and one day I told him how badly this hurt me and how I felt like I shouldn’t have to “compete for his attention, sexually” with women he is not married to.Since then, He has been trying to cancel out the lustful thoughts, and claims he has not done it since our conversation.Whether this is true or not, I believe that reading this article together will help him out that much more,and even get a better perspective on how I may be feeling.Thanks for being awesome =) God bless
Do you believe Solomon bounced his eyes from any woman? And I know you say…”Well Solomon was taken down because of women” but…this is how/why God made men, to desire woman. I don’t thing men should bounce their eyes away from a beautiful woman, this is how God made man.
We live in a world that women have made themselves beyond man, this is not what God intended!!!