Would you go to a wedding if you had to pay for your meal?
A friend recently told me that she was invited to a school colleague’s wedding where she was asked to pay for her meal AND bring a gift.
In these tough economic times, an engaged couple could rightly be tempted to ask their guests to pitch in more than normally expected. Heck, I even thought of it when planning our wedding 6 years ago (before the “Great Recession”), but there’s one major fault in that reasoning: Tradition.
Throughout a person’s lifetime, they’ll be invited to a minimum of 11,431 weddings, each requiring its own gift. Some weddings might be at an exotic beach resort in the Mediterranean, while others might be in the couple’s own backyard (or courthouse). But one thing stays constant:
1. The wedding is for YOU (bride and groom)
2. The reception is for US (friends and family)
Some people like to skip out on the big fancy wedding and just do a Justice of the Peace deal. I’m all for that, because it’s the ceremony about and for the two of you. Whether you have family there or not is your own decision.
But then there’s the reception. Even if you never leave your house, or communicate to another living soul, you’re bound to be invited to a wedding, usually on the hottest day of August in the middle of a swamp. You have to get all dressed up to go see people you only faintly know, just so you can drop off a gift and get a free meal. That’s right, I said it. The only reason people go to weddings is for the prospect of a free meal, and the hopes of an open bar!
If I’m going to plop down $50-$150 on a present, the least I should expect in return is a decent meal. Sure, the couple might stress for a year about the menu, the caterer, the location, the DJ, and pay thousands of dollars for all of it, but hey, it’s a thing called tradition. I give you a gift for your wedding and you give me a free meal and some drinks, while I’ll do the same for you. No copping out when it’s your time to fork out the same money. Even if I didn’t know you during my wedding, I should expect the same because it’s just the circle of life or something.
But to invite someone to your wedding and expect a gift AND ask them to pitch in money for the meal (or some other expense) is just outright rude. I’m not a traditionalist; I just like to be fair. Even if it’s a catered meal from McDonald’s, I want a free meal! Otherwise, I could just go visit you at your house some other time, give you a gift and not have to get dressed up for it. Be frugal, don’t be cheap.
We spent about $10-12 per meal at our wedding, and I think the food was pretty good (we were in rural PA, not downtown Manhattan). But it was actually hard for us to find more expensive caterers in the area, so we went with one of the few options. Relatives offered their services to make cookies, and we decorated the church hall ourselves (with a number of friends). We did it frugally, but not cheaply, and we left the whole thing with very little debt afterwards.
When I go to someone’s wedding and I know they’re spending a lot for the reception, I give more to the bride and groom. It’s a hit-or-miss tactic since I really don’t know how well they’ve negotiated the prices, but I know my gift is going towards defraying some of the cost of the reception.
I’ll cut myself short and ask what do you think? Is it right to ask for more than a gift? What do you think about the tradition of the wedding ceremony and reception? How many of you wish you would have just done a JOP or beach wedding rather than the whole formal affair?
Finally, if you are reading this posting and you are interested in planning a wedding yourself, check out these articles from newlyweds on a budget
Wedding finger foods
Hot n tasty wedding finger foods
How to NOT to spend 30,000 on your wedding
I’m commenting on this simply because I’m getting married in January. We’re paying for everything ourselves, and we’re specifically asking people to NOT bring gifts.
Don’t confuse tradition with a stereotype/cliche. I’m not wearing a veil, I wasn’t going to carry flowers or even wear white. We’re not having a dance floor or a DJ or an MC. And we’re actually having a very traditional wedding, we’re just not having a stereotypical one.
I could have bought a nice car with all the money I have so far spent on weddings and baby gifts. Mind you, I am single and have no intention of getting married or having kids.
If I am expected to bring a gift and pay for my dinner, I will simply not attend that wedding. I think it is rude. So, I completely agree with you.
If I really loved the couple, I would forgive them this major faux pas, and attend the wedding, but not the reception, and only give a congratulatory card. If the couple was an acquaintance or colleague, then no, I would not attend.
My own family feels the wedding/reception combo is little more than a money grab. My grandparents and great-grandparents had small, family-only events and no real receptions. My parents and aunts & uncles have eloped. I think couples follow the tradition as dictated by their families’ expectations.
@sam, I don’t believe I was confusing the two (stereotype and tradition) because I do understand that each culture and even each family has its own tradition. However, in our culture, we also have the tradition of a wedding and a reception (the general events, not specifically how they’re run) and why we have those events.
I’m all for going against the stereotypical wedding ceremony, as long as you’re not trying to pull off something cheap or tacky. Wearing a nice shirt and tie, or even a Hawaiian shirt (beach wedding) is great, but wearing one of those shirts that’s painted to look like a tux is cheap and tacky. This is an event you’ll remember all your lives, while your guests will only remember certain things. Don’t let that one thing be “boy, they sure were cheap! They made me pay for my own meal!”
@Christine, I like your family’s traditions!
I agree with Christine and would attend the wedding only if it was a loved one and not attend at all for others.
I don’t attend weddings for the meail and bar, although I enjoy it. The couple should have downsized their reception to something they could afford even if it was just cake and punch.
I would be thrilled if someone were to ask me to bring a gift and chip in for the meal. Why? Because it would piss off my wife so bad that we would end up not going and I would not waste a day of my life for the Frugal McDougals. The money I save would be used for extra beer and maybe pay-per-view.
Not only does one have to spend money on a gift, but I was invited to an evening wedding at a nice hotel not long ago, and had to buy a new outfit. It really adds up- and yes, I am single with no kids.
i am also completely appalled at the trend for destination weddings at all inclusive resorts. Basically, the guests are paying for their transportation to Mexico, the Caribbean or wherever, plus their accommodations – which includes all their meals, so yes, the guests are paying for their own reception.
If you don’t have money- have a fruit and cheese, or dessert reception with punch. I would much rather be invited to a reception like that, than be de facto excluded from receptions of friends and relatives whose wedding ceremonies I want to share in, but cannot because of financial reasons.
This bride and groom that want people to pay for their own food are ridiculous! There is no way I would attend this wedding… family or not. They are being greedy and cheap.90% of the people give 50-100.00 as a gift to begin with, then you tack on that they have to pay for their own food too?!?!? NO WAY. I completely agree to all who have said they would not attend.
It is NEVER OK to ask for anything and I believe that registering for gifts is either on the line or perhaps over the line of propriety also. Gifts are always voluntary. My mother always taught me to make sure my cash gift at reception covered the cost of the meal but even this is not always easy to do since invitations do not necessarily inform you of menu. Once I was invited to a wedding (out of town) and only hors d’oeuvres were served, leaving us to excuse ourselves early and try to find somewhere to get take out for us and our kids (invited). Besides the cash I also purchase a gift (but not from registry). I suspect I would send a Best Wishes card and skip reception in this case. Bad taste.
Lol, I haven’t had an invitation that “requested” to pay for my meal or required to bring a gift. But I had a good laugh reading this post. Seriously, why would anyone do that? I mean, yeah, in order to recoup the expenses probably but in the first place, you should have anticipated the expenses before even sending the invitations.
If you’ve decided to do your wedding in an exotic beach resort then do so, as long as you have the money, right from your very own pocket. If you don’t have yet for now and still want to be in that place, then maybe it’s not the time yet or else, do it in your own backyard. But please, do not require someone to bring gifts, not to mention pay for their meal because that would be really, really cheap. You’ll not be having a wedding every year so plan every details ahead especially the money part. 🙂
Honestly, I’d rather be invited to a pizza party reception than be asked to pay for my own meal.
Granted I am not up to the wedding stage of my life but I would say no. I understand times are tough but don’t have a big expensive wedding then. I think that’s rude to ask people to pay for their own meal.
Haha…oddly enough, I had a similar conversation with some newly engaged friends who brought up the idea of a pot-luck wedding! They’d save costs AND you get your choice of meals & deserts 😉 I’d totally be down for that…and bring a bag of chips or PB&Js.
Unless these are people I am truly close to, then I will not attend. It just leaves a bad taste in the mouth when people resort to these tactics. If you can’t afford a lavish reception, then don’t have one! Live within your means and don’t begin your married life in debt.
Wow. That is tacky. If you can’t afford a big wedding, just go to city hall. If you have a friend who is a baker and offers to make the cake, that’s one thing (and that will likely be their gift to you). But you shouldn’t make your guests pay for their own meal or you won’t have friends for long.
I agree with me in millions above.
If it is to be a cooperative wedding, in which the invitees voluntarily pitch in to make the decorations and find a free venue and make the food and get the flowers from their own gardens, that is the gift itself, and nothing more should be expected of them. Certainly not expensive formal wear or checks or whatever. But it could be a good party.
If it’s the couple trying to finance a wedding beyond their means by charging admission, that’s a disaster in the making. They will pay many times over in the ill will they create.
Where did you come up with the ridiculously high number of over 11,000 wedding invites in a person’s lifetime??? If I lived to the age of 85, that would mean I’d be invited to 134 weddings per year from birth to age 85. No way!
Well weddings in Japan are like that, guest are expected to give cash to help pay for the wedding.
I wouldn’t; unless it was a family member or very good friend. However, as for any wedding invitation I receive, I would send a card & gift (usually a cheque). I think wedding receptions are becoming ridiculous with way too many people invited in the first place. Instead of asking people to pay for their plate; only invite the people you can afford to feed. Those are probably the only ones you really want there anyway.
hell no I wouldn’t go. And it would be a great excuse to not go.
If you are a total cheapskate, you can register at Bed Bath – They will give you *cash* back for anything that was on your registry. Register for small easy to return items like china sets, sheets and towels.
I, too, expect a free meal and an open bar at a wedding (I always tip the bartender well – it keeps the drinks coming). We agonized over the menu at our wedding, and the whole event went by in a flash. In hindsight, I’d opt for a JOP wedding.
Tradition does come into play, but there is an even bigger reason why the bride and groom should pay for the event. They are hosts, and they have invited the guests. Many, many brides, and some grooms, develop the idea that the wedding is “my day”. And, they begin to think they are owed something (or everything!) Gracious brides and grooms keep in mind that they have invited guests to share the special day, and they are responsible for ensuring the guests are happy.
I do speak from experience. My husband and I will celebrate our one year anniversary on September 20. We had a budget of $12,000. So, we invited 35 guests, and provided them with everything. And, we timed the event around their comfort, not necessarily our wishes. To this day, our guests comment on how lovely our wedding was, how special they felt, and how much they enjoyed their time.
If brides and grooms start by thinking of the wedding guests as actual guests, they will have an easier time making decisions.
Wow- that’s the epitome of tacky… please come, pay for your meal, and bring a gift. Guess what- if you can’t afford to host your guests in a traditional wedding reception, DON’T have one. Asking people to pay for their presence at your wedding is beyond tacky and rude. I don’t care what the circumstances are.
Joe, I don’t think weddings in Japan are not like that, they don’t expect any gifts. In asian weddings, traditionally the guests give about $100 per guest, or more if you are close to the bride and groom. But you don’t give any gifts.
The gift of money is to help the newlyweds in their new life together, rather than thought of as paying for the meal.
Of course if you go to an asian wedding and you’re unaware of this tradition, it is ok to give a gift instead.