Why Narcissists Always Come Back (And How to Finally Close the Door)
If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a true narcissist, you know how difficult it can be to get away. They seem to have ways of pulling you back in over and over again. You might have just started to heal from the trauma you went through with them and suddenly they’ve popped back into your life for one reason or another. Narcissists always return. Here’s why (and how you can finally escape them for good).
1. Craving Control and Validation
Every narcissist looks for external validation in some form. Even after they break up with you (or you break up with them), they try to continue to assert control over you. When they pop back up in your life, they thrive on the emotional response they get. They love knowing that they have some kind of power over you still. Any reaction from you will feed into this. So, refuse them this validation. Ignore any attempts they make to contact you and don’t give them the time of day.
2. Fear of Losing Supply
Many narcissists see the other people in their lives as a source of emotional “supply.” They crave attention, affection, and admiration, and when these things dwindle in their life, they may come back to you seeking it out. It’s key to remember that their sudden reappearance in your life is only about replenishing their depleted self-esteem. See their motive for what it is: transactional. This will help you detach and stay firm in your boundaries.
3. Testing Your Boundaries
Narcissists routinely test boundaries to see if they can regain influence in your life. They view boundaries as challenges rather than personal limits that should be respected. A boundary crossed successfully signals to them that you’re still vulnerable and manipulatable. Maintaining and enforcing clear, consistent boundaries is crucial to breaking free. Firmly refuse any attempts at boundary violations, no matter how small.
4. Exploiting Your Empathy
Narcissists know exactly how to exploit your empathy and kindness. They return presenting themselves as changed, remorseful, or needing help, exploiting your desire to heal or rescue. Your empathetic nature becomes their tool for re-entry into your life. Remember that genuine change in narcissists is rare and often superficial. Trust actions over words and remain cautious, recognizing manipulation tactics disguised as vulnerability.
5. Nostalgia as a Weapon
They strategically leverage nostalgia, recalling only the good times and glossing over their harmful behaviors. By focusing solely on positive memories, they try to reconnect emotionally, enticing you into their web again. Nostalgia distorts reality, making it easy to forget why you left initially. Combat this by staying realistic about past experiences and reminding yourself of their toxic patterns. Journaling negative experiences can help reinforce your reasons for leaving.
6. They Hate Losing
For narcissists, losing is unacceptable, and leaving them represents defeat. Their ego cannot handle rejection, compelling them to persistently pursue former partners to reclaim victory. This relentless pursuit isn’t about love; it’s about restoring their damaged pride. Recognizing their ego-driven motivations helps you remain detached and resolute. Remind yourself that you aren’t responsible for soothing their bruised ego.
Closing the Door for Good
Breaking free from a narcissist is no easy feat, true me I know. Taking the time to truly understand their motivation and mindset can help you equip yourself with what you need to heal and finally get away. Remember, you are not the bad guy for making your emotional health a priority. Hold firm to your boundaries and do what you have to to break free. If needed, seek support from others to help you through this tough time. You’ve got this! In the end, it’s all about doing whatever is needed to be happy.
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Drew Blankenship is a former Porsche technician who writes and develops content full-time. He lives in North Carolina, where he enjoys spending time with his wife and two children. While Drew no longer gets his hands dirty modifying Porsches, he still loves motorsport and avidly watches Formula 1.