When the questions about “having kids” go too far
NOTE BEFORE READING: This article is not meant to alienate those of you with kids, or even those of you who have asked us about having kids. This is an article merely to illustrate our point of view of the “DINK Dilemma” (Dual-Income, No Kids)…
When you’re single or dating someone, the inevitable question from friends, families, coworkers and even strangers is “So when are you getting married?”. Normally you’re too polite to respond, or you just try to laugh away the question. It’s especially bad when it’s your date’s first time meeting the family and you’re asked that question. Nothing like a little pressure to make that guy (or girl) run for the hills!
And when you finally marry that guy or gal, what’s the next obvious question?
KIDS!
This question actually comes in multiple forms.
Question 1: “So when are you two having kids?” or “When am I getting grandkids?”
This question can be in both accusatory and innocent styles. The accusatory style tends to come from your parents who are wondering when you’re going to give them grandchildren. They’re so used to the parenting role that they have nothing else to do except dream of parenting YOUR children, or showing off pictures of your kids to their friends and coworkers as if they had something to do with the mating process (ew! I hope not!). Siblings and other relatives may also ask, wondering when they’ll be aunts, uncles, great-grandparents, etc. Luckily we only have one member of our families who continually bugs us about kids, but I won’t mention who.
The innocent style comes from friends, acquaintances and strangers just finding a way to strike up conversation. Perhaps they have kids and talking about their kids is much easier than talking about themselves. Unfortunately, this line of questioning can often backfire, specifically when the questioned couple is having difficulty having children.
Question 2: “How old are your kids?”
This question usually comes from people you just met who assume you have kids because they see the ring on your finger and the gray in your hair. They automatically assume that anyone who is married MUST have kids, regardless of their physical capability to birth a child or desire to have a child. This is actually a pretty insulting question unless you KNOW that they do in fact have children, but for some reason some people start off with this question, or similar one like “What school do your kids go to?”
Statement 1: “Oh, I’m sorry if you can’t have children”
You might notice that we’re getting into more and more insulting questions and statements. Since Stacie and I don’t have kids and we’re now in our 30s, some people automatically think that we’ve tried to have kids and have failed. Honestly, I have no idea if we are biologically capable of creating and carrying a child to term, and aren’t ready to test out our hypothesis that we can anytime soon. I do understand that the questioner is trying to be sympathetic, but don’t assume that couples without kids are unable to produce them.
Statement 2: “You should have kids now. You’ll regret not having them when you’re X years old!”
Ugh. The alternate to statement 1 is this one. Again the person assumes that every married couple only got married to have kids. While this may have been a necessity for people as recent as 50 years ago, perhaps we got married because we’re best friends and love spending time together, and we may choose not to have kids.
I understand the biological probabilities of having a less-than-healthy child the older you get, but this statement is wrong on so many levels. This is where I relay the story that sparked this whole article.
When a coworker just can’t get the hint
I tend to stay away from talking about family or work issues directly on this site out of fear of retribution, but some statements by my wife’s coworker just irked me so much that I needed to write this article.
To set the stage, this certain coworker is in her late 30’s and has 2-year-old twin boys. She just started working with Stacie and, having double the Terrible Two trouble, kids were the only thing on her brain. One of the first questions to Stacie was “Do you have kids?”. When Stacie answered “No”, she then asked “Why not?”.
I’m sorry lady, but we don’t need to tell you why we don’t have kids. But Stacie, being the nice, polite woman, explained that we’re just not ready for kids. But then the coworker couldn’t leave that alone. She then went to Statement 2 that we “better not wait” and “you’ll regret not having kids”. Stacie just brushed off the questioning and got back to her job.
In subsequent conversations, specifically ones about kids, the coworker would state, as if a fact, “when you have kids…” and then go on to relate some wise parenting advice like Stacie asked for it. Stacie came home angry a number of times because the questioning and assumptions were getting to her. I decided it needed to stop, and being the blunt and rude person I am, I looked for an opportunity to speak with this lady.
The Broken Finger
Just before Christmas, Stacie broke her finger (long story). We didn’t think it was broken that night, but at work the next day (she works in a hospital), her finger turned ugly purple and swelled up like a hotdog. So I met up with her in the ER where she works (as a note, the knuckle chipped in two spots).
After she got out of the ER, she had to go back to the office to get her things. While there, we chatted with one of her other coworkers for a while. As we were preparing to leave, the “baby mama coworker” comes into the office. Stacie introduces me to her, and while Stacie finishes the conversation with the other coworker, the baby mama immediately starts off the conversation with “Oh, when you have kids…”.
I don’t let her finish, and still don’t know what she was going to say, because I correct her by saying “IF we have kids”. I don’t think I gave her my infamous “crazy eye”, but she switched topics immediately. Perhaps she finally got the hint that kids aren’t planned for our immediate future. Shortly after, we said our goodbyes for the night and headed home.
Well, the next day at work, baby mama tells Stacie about our brief conversation. Apparently, now she thinks I’M the reason we’re not having kids. She thinks I’m the controlling force telling Stacie we don’t want kids. I’m sorry, but it’s an equal split between Stacie and I. So now baby mama is on a mission to convert me, via Stacie, to see the light of day and the wonderfulness of kids.
I will honestly admit that there are many times both Stacie and I question ourselves and each other whether we’re making the right decision to wait for kids. But then we remind ourselves that we enjoy the freedom in our lives and careers right now, and agree it’s best to wait. Neither of us is the controlling force in the decision, but I will also say that birthing a child is not our primary desire.
Options for kids when “you’re too old”
I’ve previously covered all this in “Examine Your Motives: Having Kids“, but I’ll recap. As I’ve said, people keep telling us “don’t wait too long or you’ll be too old to have kids”. But we just brush it off because we know we have other options for having kids:
- Adoption: We’d probably be more open to older children if we’re also older. We’ve looked into a number of adoption agencies already, and are still mulling our options here.
- Foster Care: I’ve made the uncouth joke that “we get to give the kids back” if we’re foster parents, but with full knowledge that fostering kids forms a strong bond between the foster parents (us) and the children. Helping troubled children isn’t a joking matter, but the short-term aspect definitely plays into the decision process.
- Big Brother/Big Sister: If we really just want to make a lasting impression on a youngster, then this could definitely be an option.
- Spoiling our nephew, nieces and friends’ kids: Yep, we can fulfill our need for children with long trips to Disney with our nephews and nieces, and give them back when we’re done with them. But for our friends and family reading this, don’t get your hopes up that we’ll pay for your kid’s college education 🙂
So while we continue to consider whether we want (or should even have) kids, we’re comforted by the fact we have numerous options if it “becomes too late” to have a biological child. I shudder at the fact, though, that we’ll have to deal with prying questions and insulting assumptions for the next decade or two, or unless we have a child.
And for those of you who just realized that you’ve been guilty of questioning your friends, or strangers, about when they’re having kids, consider this: People grilling us about kids only makes us want kids less. And hearing you say “those little moments where my kid does x makes it all worth it” doesn’t make us want kids. It shows that you become numb to all the pain that kids cause (lack of sleep, stress, communicable diseases…and don’t get me started on puberty!).
Ok, done with my rant. Any questions or comments?
Photo by Darin Moran
So true, Mr Chiots and I are in our early 30’s and we have dealt with this for many many years (11 to be exact that’s how long we’ve been married). We knew from the beginning we didn’t want to have children and we were always open about our decision. But that didn’t stop anyone and everyone (yep, even the lady behind the post office counter) from trying to cinvince that we NEEDED to have children and that our lives would never be fulfilled without our very own children. (personally I think they all are miserable and are trying to get as many people in their poor state as possible 🙂
2 years ago Mr Chiots finally got a vasectomy and now we can tell people that we can’t have kids when they ask, usually they feel guilty for asking and being so insensitive. Sometimes we are nice and tell them it was a choice other times we let them feel guilty.
Wow, you know a lot of morons!
Kids are a big friggin huge deal – have them if/when you want them. And don’t listen to the “have them young” morons – I was 39 when my newest baby was born and my wife was….I’m not allowed to tell the age , but she is older than I.. 🙂
THANK YOU for being vocal about this. My husband and I have been married two years and we’re both fast approaching 30…. And we constantly get these questions! The worst is when you get the condescending smile and they say, “Oh, you’ll change your mind!” Um… we’re not talking about a second piece of chocolate cake here! We’re talking about a child, a life, and that is NOT something to do just because “everyone else is doing it”. Ugh. People are so stupid!
Honestly, Stacie’s coworker sounds like she needs her decision to have kids validated by everyone else deciding to do the same. Good parents who don’t have regrets about their own children and aren’t related to you tend to be much more comfortable with the childfree by choice (whether temporarily or not).
As for the coworker trying to persuade you via Stacie – that’s not uncommon. Lots of people wrongly believe that all women want children. In practice I’ve found plenty of women don’t want to have kids or are ambivalent, whilst men mostly either want kids or assume they will have them.
Yes, you’re going to have to put up with this from all sorts of people for years, unless you start being vocally anti-kids.
We’re experiencing the EXACT same thing. All. The. Bloody. Time. I’m going to lose my mind if one more person asks when we’re having kids. My favourite response is to say something very somber about not being able to have kids, and then feign a little tear. Like you, we have no idea whether we can have kids or not, but it makes for a nice awkward situation to reward an inappropriate question…
My favourite comment that we get is “You should have them young, that way they’ll be out of the house sooner!” I really can’t think of a worse rationale for having kids, yet we’ve heard this on numerous occasions from different people. Apparently, having children at a young age will let you “enjoy” life more when you’re older- if kids really impact “enjoyment” that much, why have them at all? Sorry folks, suggesting that we should get having kids out of the way so that we can have some peace and quiet in 20 years is really not helping your case.
Hear Hear! We come from families that are big on having kids and we’re just not interested in kids now. Will it change? We don’t know, but we just celebrated out 2 years and we’re happy as we are.
I’ve had coworkers and relatives pretty much say most of the above statements you gave. Like Kiara, the condescending smile with ‘you’ll change your mind’ drives me insane. Ok, if I do, then I’ll change it. I didn’t say never, I spoke about now.
Oh well, we’re happy and know that it’s the right decision for us at this time. Having kids out of peer pressure is reckless at best. Having kids is a huge event that affects the rest of your life.
I think you should simply answer the rude questions with a rude answer, something along the lines of:
“Well, I think bring kids in to the world in it’s current state constitutes cruel and unusual punishment and anyone who does so should be punished to the full extent of the law” . . . that will work especially well for people with young children 🙂
I’ve never felt the urge to have kids, but if I ever do, we will adopt a child in need of a stable, loving family. Being gay, the only kids questions/comments I get are along the lines of why I SHOULDN’T have kids–as if it’s anyone else’s business or decision to make.
Good for you guys 🙂 Isn’t it nice to be married to someone because you genuinely like who they are? My husband and I do have one child (although we’re constantly nagged about another) but we were very happy when it was just us too.
As a side note, I think a big reason for this is that many people are having children and THEN getting married, so it’s almost strange that people would want to choose a spouse first. So sad.
@Plonkee, the thing is, we’re not anti-kids overall, just at this time in our lives. But I see your point. It would be nice to just have a blanket answer that everyone says “Oh, ok” and leaves you alone.
@MGL, OOH I forgot that one. That response (get them out of the house sooner) definitely turns us off to kids. It’s like people only have kids as an insurance policy for when they get older; one that they’ll live with for 18 years until the “premiums are paid off”.
@Traciatim, actually one commenter before you (whose comment I deleted because of the language) said I was being a (insert male anatomy) for answering the way I did. I do get pleasure fighting rudeness with rudeness, but only to a point. It gets tiring, and often times people just aren’t thinking before they ask/say these things. We still have to be careful with what we say until we’re sure whether we do or don’t want kids. No point hurting feelings if those people are right, eh?
Having worked in a similar type office where everyone was in each other’s business, the only way to get this gal off Stacie’s back is if Stacie herself does the proverbial slapping down of the co-worker.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop there, because if you have one people will ask when you’re going to have another… “don’t want to wait too long to give that child a baby brother/sister to play with” ummm… maybe we want to space them out a bit to give ourselves time to save up for the 2nd round of college. Or decide we want to have an only.
It’s a huge decision to make and the only people that need to be part of the decision are the parents. Everyone else needs to butt the heck out.
There are all kinds of people in the world, and some of them are rude. Clearly, your wife’s coworker is one of them, and your wife isn’t. If it were me, I would have politely told the rude coworker to butt out already.
When I was 26 and teaching English in northern Spain for a few months (marriage was on the rocks, but not over – he wasn’t with me), my 13-year-old students asked me how many kids I wanted. I said “zero”. Then the girl with the best English very dismissively informed me that I had to or else I’d be the strange old lady with too many cats. Cracked me up!
Clever Dude,
As a parent, I’m here to tell you that even if you were to have kids, the questioning would not stop! We have 2 kids, a boy and a girl. Now the question that we get is, “Well, are you done?” The answer is a resounding YES! WE ARE DONE! But people are still so insensitive that they insist on pressing the issue (“You already have 2, what’s one more?”).
I have lots of friends in the DINK category, and unless they have told me that they want kids, I stay as far away from the subject as I can…unless, of course, they offer to babysit! 😉
This is something I deal with too. I’m 41 and have been dating my GF for about a year. People are always asking when we’re going to get married and have kids. Implying or sometimes outright stating that we don’t have much time to wait.
I’ll third the annoyance to “oh, you’ll change your mind.” Most of our friends and family know that we’re not planning on having kids, despite the fact that we love our friend’s kids and nephew (whether or not they think we’ll change decisions has thankfully been kept to themselves lately). We’ve been together for 8 years and married for almost three, and have been on the same page about no kids from the beginning.
In the past year, though, I’ve tried to stay away from the topic with friends and strangers alike. Two of my dear friends have been trying for more than 2 years to have a baby, with no success. This has changed how I talk about us not wanting kids with other people, I would never want them to overhear that, it would feel disrespectful.
My husband (of 3 years) and I get this all the time, too. I finally realized that 9/10 people are just trying to make conversation – Oh, you’re married. So… do you have kids? When do you plan on having them? – They just don’t know what else to say. I try not to get too riled up about it.
But regardless of topic, rude is rude. Like plonkee said — Staci’s coworker obviously is looking for validation of her own choices. Why should she care whether you have kids or not? So strange, in my opinion.
I do happen to be one of those people who does want children — a lot. But up until now, we haven’t been ready and have really enjoyed our time being together without them. It is a huge commitment and nothing to rush into. I also want to be a healthy as possible before making that decision so I’m working on that now. But in the end, it is up to US, no one else, so I try to ignore comments.
I think it great to not have kids if both partners are in complete agreement. However my sister and law and her now ex husband were a dink couple wanting to wait until their late 30s early 40s or not at all. When my sister in law had to have a hsytrectomy sp? and her husband was upset that they could not have bioloical children. He assured her that they could adopt if they decided to but she felt that he would never be happy with adoption. They ended up devoiced over it. Just make sure you go though all of the what its with each other as they were totally not going to have children and then 10 years later they both regret not having any.
Wow. Reading this makes me glad that my coworkers aren’t nearly that rude. I like to think that I’d respond to any such harrassment by saying, “That’s an awfully rude question” and leaving it at that. But I’m not usually so confrontational.
I don’t know if it is just my group of friends or if it is typical of my generation, but a TON of people I know never want to have kids. Several have had vasectomies or had their tubes tied or are looking into the options. As a result, my default question is asking if they want to have kids. Maybe it will spread. 😉
DH and I are 35 and 29 respectively. We aren’t sure if we even want children. Honestly being around some of my friends kids does not make me want to have any kids.
The day after our one year anniversary, my mom called to ask if we had any news. What are you talking about I asked? her response: Oh, I thought you might be pregnant. Uh, no! We have since had a conversation and she has stopped asking.
DH doesnt want to be 40 and have his first kid but at this time, neither of us can see ourselves with the responsibility of a child. Part of the problem is that we are both in the military and we dont want to have children without at least one set of parents (mine) nearby.
Maybe someday we will change our minds, but right now we are happy spending time with one another and our two dogs.
BTW: When others ask us about having children, I respond that we have dogs instead and when they annoy we can lock them in the yard but you cant quite do that with children.
It sounds like that’s crossed the line to harassment; if Stacie hasn’t already told her to please stop bringing up the subject and haranguing her, it’d be a good time to. I know it seems innocuous, and the conversations about kids usually are, but this coworker doesn’t sound like she’s going to back off anytime soon.
I’m 28 years old and do want to have kids in the near future but I can totally relate to what you’re saying. Only a lot of the pressure I get comes from my wife. For the last 6 months or so she’s had baby fever and I’ve kept putting it off to concentrate on getting some of our debts paid off. During this time more and more people have started with the baby talk, and saying I’m gonna be an old man, etc. I just shrug it off though. This spring I hope we’ll be where I want financially and then I’ll be all ready for the baby making.
“Ok, done with my rant. Any questions or comments?” My question is “when are you going to have kids?” Just kidding.
This is such a frequent problem that I think an entire book could be written full of witty comebacks intended to put an end to the inane questions. For this person, I suggest something like: “Well, we had planned on having children very soon but after hearing about your kids, we’ve reconsidered.” That should do the trick.
DH & I celebrated 11 years in 11/08 and are vocally childfree. Although several of our friends are parents, they all respect our decision not to go that route. When I do get the occasional rude question or statement, my response is somewhat similar to Gypsie’s: I’m happy just having cats. They don’t go to college, you can legally put them in a cage when they’re misbehaving, and they’ll never tell you they hate you (well, at least not in a language I speak!).
In all seriousness, though, what really disturbs me about the “you’ll change your mind” crowd is how they usually (not always, but usually) have a misery loves company sort of vibe. I sincerely think a lot of people have children b/c that’s just “what you do,” and a lot of them seem to resent those of us who “buck the system” by daring to approach childbearing as a choice that should be made only after much careful consideration.