If Your Ex Did These 7 Things, They Were Probably a Covert Narcissist
No breakup is easy to go through, but when you step back and realize that you were with a covert narcissist, it can make the ordeal worse. These individuals are subtle in the way they manipulate you and, in the end, you wind up feeling emotionally drained. If you recognize these seven behaviors as something your ex did, chances are they were hiding their narcissistic personality.
1. They Played the Victim in Every Situation
Covert narcissists thrive on sympathy. They constantly position themselves as the victim, no matter the situation. If you called them out on bad behavior, they likely turned it around and made you feel guilty. They may have had a knack for making their struggles seem more significant than yours. In some cases, you might have even felt like the “bad guy.” All of this points to your ex being a covert narcissist.
2. They Gave You Backhanded Compliments
A covert narcissist will subtly undermine your confidence. They mask insults with compliments, leaving you questioning your worth. Phrases like “You’re really smart for someone who didn’t go to college” or “You look good today—better than usual” are classic examples. These statements were designed to keep you seeking their approval. Over time, you may have felt like you were never good enough. Unfortunately, this keeps many people hooked, not realizing that they are dealing with a narcissist.
3. They Were Experts at Silent Treatment
Instead of explosive fights, covert narcissists punish you with silence. When you upset them, they withdrew and ignored you instead of addressing the issue. This left you anxious, trying to fix the problem without even knowing what you did wrong. They used silent treatment as a weapon to make you feel insecure. It was their way of maintaining control in the relationship.
4. They Had a Fragile Ego but Acted Superior
Despite their need for validation, covert narcissists pretended to be humble. They acted as if they were above arrogance, yet any small criticism shattered their confidence. If you questioned them, they became passive-aggressive or moody. They fished for compliments by pretending to doubt themselves. At the same time, they subtly made you feel inferior.
5. They Made You Feel Guilty for Prioritizing Yourself
Covert narcissists guilt-trip their partners into meeting their needs first. If you needed space or time for yourself, they made you feel selfish. They acted hurt whenever you set boundaries, making you feel responsible for their happiness. If you pursued personal goals, they subtly discouraged you, saying things like “I guess I’ll just be alone while you do that.” Over time, you may have felt guilty for even considering your own needs.
6. They Were Passive-Aggressive Instead of Direct
Instead of openly expressing displeasure, covert narcissists used passive aggression. They made sarcastic remarks, sighed dramatically, or did things to sabotage plans. If you confronted them, they denied any wrongdoing and made you feel overreactive. They avoided direct conflict but created tension that made you feel uneasy. Their behavior was designed to keep you second-guessing yourself.
7. They Pretended to Be Empathetic While Lacking True Compassion
A covert narcissist knows how to fake empathy, but their actions rarely match their words. They said all the right things but failed to show genuine care when it mattered. If you were going through a tough time, they made it about themselves. Their concern felt performative rather than heartfelt. When you needed real emotional support, they were distant or dismissive.
Trust Your Gut and Heal
Did any of these things sound familiar to you? Then your ex was probably a covert narcissist. Remember, it’s not your fault. In fact, it never was. Now that you know better, you can identify these patterns and behaviors in future relationships. You’ll be able to see through the facade. At the end of the day, you deserve a partner who will love and cherish you.
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Drew Blankenship is a former Porsche technician who writes and develops content full-time. He lives in North Carolina, where he enjoys spending time with his wife and two children. While Drew no longer gets his hands dirty modifying Porsches, he still loves motorsport and avidly watches Formula 1.