Adoption vs Natural Birth – We need your opinion!
I’m going to justify this post as Personal Finance because what could be more expensive than having kids?
Anyway, my wife and I feel like we’re called to adopt. However, we haven’t started “trying” for a natural birth yet (is there a better way to state that?).
We need your honest opinions:
We’ve been been questioned on why we would adopt when we might be able to have our own children. We’ve questioned our own motives and reasons, as well as wondered how friends, family and society would view our actions.
- How do you feel about adopting a child before you know if you can even have your own?
- Would you be offended if your grown child chooses someone else’s bloodline rather than trying to continue your own? Is that just silly thinking?
- Should we change our thinking about bringing our own child into this world when there’s so many others who need a family?
We appreciate your views. We’d also like to get the views of any of you who have adopted or were adopted. We’re just starting our studies on adoption and the choices and decisions seem daunting.
I was adopted at birth. I’ve known for a long time (as long as I can remember) that my parents are not my birth parents. Back when I was adopted, the adoptions were closed adoptions and the birth parents were not given any opportunity to meet their birth children. Now open adoptions are more typical where the birth parents and children are encouraged to meet.
I have always wondered about my birth parents. Who they are, what were the circumstances for my adoption, health issues.
Your second question is irrelevant. An adopted child already has someone else’s bloodline. You are thinking of continuation of the family name. I believe that would be a moot issue, and definitely nothing to worry about.
If you can keep one child out of a bad situation growing up, then yes you should adopt. If after you adopt you and your wife get pregnant, the great! Now you have two children to raise. Just be sure not to favor one over the other. They are both still your children.
Jim
i’m adopted, too. there isn’t and shouldn’t be anything you read on here or anywhere else or hear from your friends and family to help you decide between birth and adoption. i’m sorry, but you are going about it the wrong way. these are questions that both of you are the only ones who can answer. You both need to be true to yourself and talk it over between you both, not anyone else. If you let a decision be swayed outside of the two of you, you are setting yourself up for excuses in the future. That’s not fair to either a child you give birth to or to an adopted child.
My family has adopted 3 children. We are white, they are black. Although they are not “blood”, the bond is as close as a normal family, and there is no doubt whatsoever that they are “real” siblings and children to our family, even with the obvious racial difference between us.
Obviously there was no chance to hide the adoption from the kids, and they were very aware of the process as it was happening. One thing we told them when they got nervous about the situation, is that of course we love them as much as natural kids, we got to choose them out of a wide selection, everyone else just gets what nature gives them randomly! (They like that answer, even as little kids!)
There are a ridiculous number of kids who will never have a family, that are going to be part of the system forever. You can totally change the life of these kids. International adoptions are very popular right now, (witness brangelina) but do not neglect kids you can find right in the US. If you are looking for the blond haired, blue eyed, infant, there is quite a wait (and you have to be young, married, well off, etc). If you feel ok with an “off-brand” then it is much easier, and thats what you would be getting internationally as well. There are something like 80,000 black kids waiting for adoption in the US right now.
One thing I will warn you about. All 3 of the kids we have had pretty severe abuse, both in their birth families, and in foster care. The child we got the youngest, also had the most severe abuse (legs broken in 10+ places at age 2). He is also the one who has been able to put the abuse behind him the most. The twin girls we got at 4, and they had mostly emotional abuse, and they have problems (with both girls ending up institutionalized at for multi-year stints) resulting from that abuse through today (they are 17 now).
Make sure you know the true history of the kids, and get them as young as possible for maximum success. Our experience (though a single data point) shows that above 4, especially in cases of abuse, it some cases it is too late.
This is exceptionally disheartening to me, because it means abandoning the “old” children to the system forever, but the level of commitment required is massive. My mom was literally spending 30+ hours a week with counselors and school staff trying to keep girls in school, out of jail. In addition to the time commitment, there is a huge emotional drain in cases like this, because there is not much you can do, except watch your kid go down the drain due to stuff that happened 15+ years ago.
I definitely do not want to discourage you from adoption. It is extremely rewarding a,d a great help to the world when done right. Just be careful and know what you are signing up for!
There is no wrong answer in my opinion. If you would like to adopt, do it! Many kids await a home and need a mom and a dad. You don’t need to “try” and have a baby first, but you can. In the end, it won’t even matter, you will love the child or children and that is everything.
Follow your heart, it will never lead you wrong.
Note: I am not adopted, I have never adopted, I think I would like to adopt, but have a large family and am getting older.
I agree that no one can really advise you on this. Only you and your wife can figure out what best fits you and your situation. You might want to take the feelings of your families into consideration, and talk to those whose opinions really, really matter to you.
Just to flex my own adoption credentials, my father was adopted (my grandmother thought she couldn’t have children, so she adopted my dad, but then went on to give birth to five more sons!), and my aunt (my mom’s sister) adopted my two cousins from Korea, so adoption is familiar on both sides of my family.
Do both 🙂
I was adopted and I have two adopted nieces from China. It’s great. I’m definitely considering it myself but am torn because I sort of want to experience having a child. We’re in negotitations, maybe one and one. Although ideally I’d have 4.
Clever Dude — I read you periodically but have never left a comment. This post, though, just really called out to me. My heart swelled with joy and love upon reading your comment that you and your wife were thinking of adopting over getting pregnant. To me that choice is the ultimate in selflessness and love! Many people can, and do, produce their own biological children, and many prefer to have “their own” as opposed to adopting, leaving adoption as a last-ditch choice only if the couple can’t get pregnant on their own or via fertility drugs. There are so many unwanted children out there who need a loving, stable home — to adopt such a child as your FIRST CHOICE rather than the last resort, is a beautiful, loving, awe-inspiring thing!
As to family members who might be insulted or offended if you adopt rather than having your own biological children, perhaps you just need to give them a different perspective on the matter: There’s nothing so unique or special about one’s own genes that they need to necessarily be reproduced, especially when there is already an existing human being out there who needs a loving home. Personally, I’ve never understood people (and I’ve known a few in my life) who can only love children who are produced from their own blood line. This says very little about the kind of person they are (or rather it says A LOT about how small and petty a person they are). Dude, you come across as a very decent and moral person. I can’t imagine that you became that way in a vacuum, and I’m assuming your own family had something to do with making you the person you are today. With that being said, I would hope and expect that they’d love your adopted child just as much as they’d love your biological child; I would hope it would not make one difference either way.
Good luck, and God bless you!
Hello Clever Dude. I started reading your blog after the infamous lunch post your wife wrote a few weeks ago. 🙂
My husband and I are in practically the exact same stage that you and your wife are of thinking/wondering/hoping about the possibility of adoption. We already know that we have some fertility issues, however – we have tried to become pregnant for the last 6 or so years on and off since we’ve been married, with no luck. We have the option of using fertility medications, but are not sure we want to go that route. We have been thinking a lot (and getting that “being called” feeling that you mentioned) about adopting.
I think it is good that you both have questioned your motives and considered how others would view your decision. But think about it. How great would it be to give another child a chance at a better life than it may have had otherwise? That simple fact alone makes me want to go sign up tomorrow. I know it won’t be easy. The process and stipulations are daunting, but I read somewhere the other day that if you truly want to adopt, you can and will find a way.
But yes, it is a huge decision and should not be made lightly. If you are a religious couple, I’d recommend praying about it, both together and singularly. The right answer will come to you whenever it’s supposed to. Of that I am certain. And like Jim said, if you go on to have your own child/children later, then that’s fantastic, too.
Whatever you decide, best of luck and may God bless you both with happiness and health.
For anyone subscribing to these comments, I just posted a “Adoption vs Natural Birth – Response” post. I still have some more questions for all of you, so feel free to comment on either this post or the new one.
Thanks for all of your positive responses!
I consider myself to be too young and financially insecure at the moment to seriously consider children, however when that moment arrives I shall definately want to adopt.
I do not suffer infertility, nor am I adopted but I have felt compelled to adopt instead of giving birth for quite some time now.
I believe in nuture as strongly as I do nature and to be able to provide a happy, loving home to any child is wonderful, regardless of their heritage.
Good luck to you whatever your decision.
What about would you say to adoption + natural vs. adoption alone? For example: what if I wanted to raise about four kids, would a mix of biological and adopted cause any significant problems? Or should I choose between the two. If I had to choose, I would choose adoption, I’m just wondering if I could do both.
What do you think?
@Lauren:
Actually, since we don’t yet know if we can have a natural birth or not (haven’t “tested”), I can’t rule out the option of both natural AND adoption.
I have an update post coming out on both our status and the results of the poll. They’ll probably be split into two posts actually.
Hello,
We chose to adopt our second child (at age four), rather than have another biological one, for many reasons. One of those reasons is that there truly are SO MANY children (older and special needs children) who need homes. I would absolutely encourage you to look into it research the options.
As there are plenty of people wanting and waiting to adopt healthy caucasian U.S. newborns, I hope you will consider adopting a child from foster care or internationally. I would recommend reading Adopting the Older Child and TOddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft.
FYI, this may sound nit-picky and too ‘politically correct’, but most people in the adoption community prefer the terms ‘birth’ or ‘biological’ children as opposed to ‘natural’ or ‘real’ (I know you didn’t say ‘real’). After all, adoptive families and relationships are not ‘unnatural’ or ‘fake’ :~). Also, if and when you adopt a child, he or she will be ‘your own’. Not trying to be too hard on you…just giving you a heads up on the current terminology. When you are and adoptive parent, some words and phrases can (unintentionally) sting. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide!
Christine Mitchell
Author and Illustrator of Welcome Home, Forever Child: A Celebration of Children Adopted as Toddlers, Preschoolers, and Beyond.
So, what did you end up doing? I found your blog doing a search on this topic. I adopted a little girl from China as a single parent. Now I’m 37 and just got married. We definitely want 1 more child, but we can’t decide if we want to adopt or just try to get pregnant.
@Amy, we’re still contemplating our next steps, including whether we want kids at all. We’re convinced right now that we’re not that into the idea of a biological birth, but we’re unsure about either adoption, fostering, big brother/sister or no kids. I’ll let you know if we every decide anything 🙂
I would love an update to this post. 😀
Yeah, we’ve decided to postpone any kid-talk until after I finish my masters. With school, new jobs and just life throwing us around, we couldn’t add on another major topic of consideration. So for now, we’re just enjoying our friends’ and relatives’ kids.
Clever,
I’m a single, 30 year old guy who has been weighing the benefits of adopting versus creating a child. I have concluded that when/if I get married, I will not create a child with my wife. My reasoning is 3-fold.
1. Adoption is better for the environment. Each of us leaves a substantial footprint on this earth. While it’s good to use high efficiency light bulbs and recycle, there is one decision we make that will most greatly affect the environment. That is the decision to create another human being(s) with their own footprint. Choosing to adopt instead of create a child will eliminate the footprint of your potential offspring and their offspring.
2. It is better for your wife’s body. Pregnancy is not without its consequences. Call me a pig, if you must, but pregnancy will change your wife’s body and not for the better. Presumably, one of the reasons you married your wife is because you are physically attracted to her. If you can avoid a potentially dramatic change in her appearance, you should.
3. Creating a child is a smack in the face to all homeless children. All thinking adults know that there children out there that need to be adopted. Implicit in creating a child is a rather inhumane snub of those seeking adoption.
I know my point of view isn’t the most popular. I hope you consider it in your deliberation.
@Jack March,
I can totally relate to what you wrote in #2, although I can’t say if my husband actually said that, I wouldn’t be pissed off as hell. Don’t forget, your wife is going to change and so is her body, regardless if she gets pregnant. It’s best you face reality now.
I don’t think “saving the world” should be a good reason to adopt. I adopted the first time because I wanted to start a family, and thought I would never get married. I found the cutest most adorable face I’d ever seen, went all the way to China and took her home. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Now I realize she is the best thing that ever happened to me. It kind of annoys me when people say adoption is a selfless act. I think my daughter likes the idea of me just wanting her to be mine and not something like a good deed to save the world. It makes adoption sound like recycling or buying organic. Now that’s just wrong. Don’t anyone be mistaken, I’m selfish and I wanted her more than life itself. She had no choice in the matter.
Now that I’m married, I am STILL facing the adopt vs. bio child debate like I originally posted 11/12/2008! I think we are leaning more towards adopting again, although it seems like I could never love another child as much as my daughter. But everyone thinks that, right?
Hello,
One of my biggest pet peeves is people who tell you not to take stock in what other people say, we’re human, and the fact that you’re on here asking these questions makes that advice moot.
Anyway, it’s nice to see someone like-minded on here. I want to adopt, my husband is still on the fence about having kids, if he makes up his mind yes, then we’ll adopt in a few years. I completely understand about the family name/blood line question.
I will probably (thankfully) be the only one of my siblings to have kids, so I know my Dad wants me to have “natural” kids. My husband is the only boy of 4 kids, so my father-in-law has made it clear he expects a grandson (I’ve made it clear that he can’t made those kinds of demands).
When I watch that show “XXX kids and counting” (it’ about a family who follow the Quiverfull movement — a Christian denomination that believes in procreating as much as possible — that birth control, even abstinance in marriage, is evil)…when I watch that show, it makes me sick to think that they’re having all those kids and haven’t adopted one!
I wish more people adopted. My reasons are two-fold, I’ve alway had an affinity for adoption (my aunt was adopted), and lately I’ve worked so hard to get my body in the shape it’s in now (toned up & lost fat), I don’t want to go through a pregnancy…vain as it may be. Many girls day dream about finding out they’re pregnant, giving birth, etc. I’ve always dreamed about having a birth mom say she’s chosen me and my husband to love and care for and be parents to her baby, I’ve always dreamed about going to the hospital to have the baby given to me. I’ve always dreamed about celebrating the baby’s 6th month birthday (in most cases, birth moms have up until then to change their minds). I’ve always dreamed about adopting a hispanic baby, and making sure he/she understands their culture, learns spanish, etc.
We adopted two girls. One is now 10 and the other is 4. They are the light of our lives. My wife is Japanese and the children are both Japanese. The 10 year old is presumably Japanese but the birth parents dissapeared without a trace and became unknown to the the world immediately after birth.
Although my daughters are perfect in every way, sometimes I feel bad when I learned later why my wife preferred the adoption route. We live in a rural area and me being white and my wife Japanese, she did not want the pressure of having mixed race children and potential discrimination to deal with. My wife loves me but also due to the fact, she does not find my physically attractive, natural pregnancy and child birth are out of the question.
Sometimes, I feel some difference in my feelings toward my son who was through natural birth from a earlier relationship and my adopted daughters. Actually my son is almost a carbon copy of me. People cannot even distinquish our voices on the phone. I know I do not love my biological child more but sometimes when I see my adopted children I am reminded how unworthy I am to my wife. That is not a good feeling.
I adopted my daughter from China when I was 34. The reason is more selfish in that I just wanted a kid, but thought if I ever did meet a guy, I think they would find it more desirable that I adopted rather than got pregnant. She was 18 months, the light of my life and changed me into a better person. I met my husband two years later and he adopted her. We got pregnant (on purpose) when I was 39. I wanted to see what it was like, although newborns scare me! I’m so glad I was able to experience both miracles. There was some sadness because it made me realize how much Missed of my first daughter’s life. :(. I had a hard time with that one. It caused a lot of guilt. Our daughters are now 9 and 2. We love them both sooo much & both are miracles in their own special way. I loved my adventure adopting my first and traveling to China. I loved giving birth (not so much being pregnant! Ha ha) and seeing such a tiny little person, breast feeding, all the developmental milestones. I think it’s best to experience both if able, but either way is okay! What’s really funny is my adopted daughter acts more like me than my bio daughter so far. I am Caucasian and my husband is Filipino which is cool because people just assume she’s my bio daughter. It’s funny because they look NOTHING alike.
Wow. I just realized how old this question is. Why is it showing up in my email? Sheesh. I feel kind of silly now. 🙂
Hey i was adopted at the age of 15 years old now im 25 years old and have the best parents and thinkfull. to have has such..