9 Signs Someone’s Past Is Affecting Their Relationships (And How to Help)

February 4, 2025

As someone who knows several people who struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and others who just struggle with past experiences, it is hard to know how to help sometimes. These past experiences can have a profound impact on their day-to-day life. Not to mention, it can have a significant effect on their relationships. Recognizing these nine signs can help you better understand what they are going through and pinpoint some ways to help.

1. They Struggle with Trust Issues

Trust is the foundation of any strong relationship, but for some, past betrayals make it nearly impossible to trust others fully. They might question your intentions, assume the worst in situations, or feel anxious when they don’t hear from you. Even small misunderstandings can trigger intense reactions, making communication difficult. They may avoid vulnerability, fearing that opening up will lead to pain.

Oftentimes, people who struggle with trust issues need constant reassurance. This can be exhausting to the person on the outside. However, it’s key to be patient, maintain open communication, and encourage them to seek professional help if needed. (Therapy is great for any/all of these signs and problems.)

2. They Have a Fear of Abandonment

Someone with a fear of abandonment often clings tightly to relationships or pushes people away before they can leave first. This fear is common in those who experienced childhood neglect, inconsistent caregivers, or painful breakups. They might overanalyze small changes in your behavior, assuming you’re losing interest. Jealousy, neediness, or extreme independence can all stem from this fear.

Again, these individuals will need reassurance. You need to show them consistency and honesty. This will help them feel more secure in their relationship with you. As mentioned above, therapy can also be an extremely helpful tool for working through this.

3. They Avoid Deep Emotional Connections

Some people build emotional walls to protect themselves from getting hurt again. They might enjoy surface-level conversations but shut down when things get serious. You may notice they change the subject when emotions arise, avoid discussing their past, or joke instead of expressing feelings. This could be due to past betrayals, childhood neglect, or being hurt after opening up in previous relationships.

It’s important to create a safe space for people who avoid deep emotional connections. Doing this will make them feel safe to have emotional conversations without pressure. Let them know they are free to express themselves but don’t pin them down. They’ll share at their own pace and when they feel comfortable. You just need to save them space and be understanding.

4. They Have Unhealthy Conflict Patterns

If someone’s past involved toxic relationships, they may struggle with conflict in extreme ways. Some react with anger, defensiveness, or shutting down completely. Others might fear confrontation so much that they avoid difficult conversations altogether. Past emotional wounds can make disagreements feel like personal attacks, even when they aren’t.

You can help someone with this problem by modeling healthy conflict resolution. Remember to stay calm and reinforce that disagreements don’t mean you are rejecting them or leaving them. Instead, encourage open conversations that will make them not feel threatened.

5. They Struggle with Self-Worth

Low self-esteem can damage relationships by causing insecurity, jealousy, or a need for constant validation. If someone was criticized, compared, or made to feel unworthy in the past, they may doubt their value in relationships. They might apologize excessively, fear they aren’t enough, or sabotage connections before they can be rejected.

Helping someone build confidence takes time. You will have to affirm their strengths and encourage them to practice self-love. Be there to remind them that they deserve healthy, loving relationships, no matter what happened in their past.

6. They Have a Hard Time Expressing Emotions

Some people were raised in environments where emotions were ignored, criticized, or punished. As a result, they struggle to express feelings in a healthy way. They may bottle up emotions, lash out unexpectedly, or feel disconnected from their own feelings. You may notice they say things like “I’m fine” even when they clearly aren’t.

Validating their emotions can help them feel more comfortable expressing them. You can also talk about your feelings regularly, leading by example and showing them that it’s okay to open up. Once again, therapy can be a huge help in overcoming this hurdle.

7. They Recreate Toxic Relationship Patterns

If someone grew up around unhealthy relationships, they might unintentionally repeat those dynamics. They could gravitate toward emotionally unavailable partners, attract toxic friends, or seek chaos because it feels familiar. Even when they know these patterns are harmful, breaking free can be difficult.

This can be difficult to help someone with because it has a lot to do with their personal actions. You can speak with them about some of the red flags you’ve noticed. It’s also a good idea to discuss setting boundaries with them and get an idea of how they choose relationships. In the end, they deserve to be with someone who will promote growth and stability. Therapy can be a game-changer in breaking cycles like this and can help them establish healthier connections.

8. They Struggle with Intimacy

Emotional and physical intimacy can be difficult for those who’ve been hurt in the past. They might pull away after feeling close, avoid physical affection, or feel uncomfortable with deep emotional connections. Past trauma, abuse, or trust issues can make intimacy feel unsafe.

Allow this person to set the pace and always respect their boundaries. You should also ensure that they know intimacy doesn’t have to be rushed. All of this will help them feel more at ease with you. Additionally, it’s recommended to speak with a licensed therapist about what this issue stems from.

9. They Constantly Compare the Present to the Past

If someone has been deeply hurt before, they may constantly compare new relationships to their past ones. They might assume history will repeat itself, overanalyze similarities, or react based on old wounds rather than present reality. This can create unnecessary tension, unfair assumptions, and difficulty in moving forward.

The best thing you can do to help is remind them that every relationship is different. They should be focused on the present and you can help them build new, positive experiences. Over time, this can help reshape their outlook.

Support, Patience, and Encouragement Make a Difference

It’s easy to let your past impact your relationships, especially if you’ve been through something traumatic or you’ve had bad luck when it comes to connecting with others. Recognizing some of these signs can help you assist those closest to you with their problems. It also helps you not take their struggles personally. Instead, you can focus on creating a safe space for them where open communication, healthy coping strategies, and happiness are promoted. Your support could make a huge difference in their healing journey.

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Drew Blankenship

Drew Blankenship is a former Porsche technician who writes and develops content full-time. He lives in North Carolina, where he enjoys spending time with his wife and two children. While Drew no longer gets his hands dirty modifying Porsches, he still loves motorsport and avidly watches Formula 1.