10 Tips for My Fellow Mass Transit Riders [Egotistical Rant]
Now that I’ve been commuting via the DC Metro for several years, I’ve noticed a number of things that my fellow commuters do that make the ride a bit more unbearable for, well, me. With rising gas prices, all forms of public transportation are seeing increased ridership, so that means less seats for me, less legroom to stretch, and more body odors to smell.
So since the trains and buses are becoming more packed every day with no end in sight, I’d like to put forth a number of tips to my fellow commuters so they don’t make me angry. As a note, at my last contract, my officemate often referred to me as “Angry Dude” because I came in so distressed about my ride on most days. So without further ado, here is my self-centered set of tips for…
Ways to Avoid the “Angry Dude” Commuter
Sure, this might just become a list of petty complaints about my fellow riders, but I’m hoping that I open up at least one person’s eyes about how they could make my life easier:
- Turn down the iPod: Ok, seriously, are you deaf? Do you know I can hear you listening to speed metal 5 rows back? Why do you have to listen to techno/rave music at 7am? Here’s a tip: Take out the earbuds while the iPod is still on. Hold them down at your waist (i.e. a few feet from your ears). Wait about 30 seconds for your ears to readjust. Then, if you can still hear the music (from the earbuds, not from inside your head), then you need to turn it down. Alot!
- Don’t smoke within 10 minutes of getting onto the train/bus: I know you’re addicted and also that standing around waiting for a ride is boring, but I don’t want to sit next to a stank who makes me want to puke for the next 50 minute ride. I know, I know, I can just move to another seat, but honestly this is all about me, not you. Quit the habit or at least consider other rider’s olfactory senses even if yours are shot from years of smoking.
- If people keep running into you, it means you need to move. I don’t know how many times I see some fool standing right off to the side at the bottom of an escalator where people need to turn to get to the train. Then s/he wonders why people keep pushing past. Same goes for numbnuts (usually a tourist, but not always) standing right in the middle of any walkway or in the path of a fare turnstile. Get out of the way!
- You should walk like you drive. By this I mean you should walk on the right, pass on the left. This goes for any type of walking in life (well, except for places like that crazy England), that people walking (or driving) slower should be on the right while I should be on the left. In DC, even the station announcements say “Stand to the right, pass to the left”.
- Take off the sunglasses. Unless you’re blind or have no eyes, there’s no reason you should be wearing shades. It’s just creepy because I know all you’re doing the whole ride is looking at my crotch. I know I’m sexy, but I’d rather see your glare than imagine where you’re looking.
- Shut up. There’s absolutely no reason to shout to the person whose ear is 8 inches from your mouth. It’s loud in the tunnels, but you don’t need to talk 5x as loud as normal. I don’t know how many conversations about top secret projects or wild drunken nights I’ve heard on the train.
- You don’t need to scream into the phone. Similar to #6, just because the tunnels are loud and you can’t hear the other caller, you don’t need to scream into the phone. I can talk at normal volume into the phone and Stacie hears me fine even if I can’t hear myself.
- Get to your seat. This isn’t the school bus where you had to scope out the best seat so you’re sitting with the popular kids. It’s the dang metro. Just get in, sit down or move out of the way so the 10 other people behind you don’t get shut out of the train.
- Don’t block the exits. This is to those people on the platform that crowd in so tightly to get onto the train when I have to get off that I feel like I’m running the gauntlet back in football training camp. I make it a point now to shoot out of the train like I lighted a jet-fueled fart and I’m traveling at supersonic speeds to the escalator. Get out of my way or you’ll get run over.
- Put muzzles on your kids. I don’t disagree with everyone being able to ride the train, but if you have an “energetic” child, please give them some type of activity to keep them busy (and kicking the back of my seat does NOT count!). And if you read to them, see #6 because I already know “Everyone Poops” by heart now. If all else fails, get off the train and administer some firm discipline before boarding the next train. I also don’t need to hear you ignoring your child or them crying for attention.
I won’t even ask if I’m out of line on any of these because I don’t think I am. Sure, I may be a little harsh, but if you have to ride the train 260 days per year, you’d understand too. What other things annoy you about riding public transportation?
Photo by Rion
I live in a really rural area so I only have to deal with this occasionally but the cell phone thing gets me everytime. It’s amazing what personal information (and at what volume) people are willing to share things at. I think a lot of cell phone owners need to take a class on manners.
Ahah.. “You should walk like you drive”… Mmhh, ever been to Massachusetts, Dude? 😉 Believe me, you do not want people walk like they drive, especially around here!
I ride the “T” every morning and night, and have to agree with all of these, especially the kid one, oh, and the people screaming in their phone, oh, yes the iPod thing too… Well, yeah, all of them! 🙂
I cannot relate as I don’t even have the option to ride public transportation, but I can tell you if I did, I would agree with all of these 100%. Thanks for a good laugh this morning…very entertaining (and understandable!) read!
You should try riding the NYC subway system. Your list would be slightly different, possibly including items such as,
“If you’re going to pee, please wait until AFTER the doors open so you don’t splash your neighbors.”
and
“If the train is packed shoulder to shoulder, please announce in a clear, loud voice that you wish to exit so those between you and the door can clear a path. Do not simply begin pushing people out of the way. Doing so probably won’t get you to the exit in time and then you’ll be forced to ride for one more stop with many, many people who wish to kill you. And at least one person willing to do so given the slightest reason by the voices in their head.”
I only had to ride the D.C. metro for a grand total of 7 days in the last few months for a couple training classes, and completely agree with all of these. 🙂 I even witnessed a very loud argument between two people when one woman asked another to turn her music down. ::rolls eyes::
I admire your patience to do it regularly, I know I couldn’t!
Don’t worry its the same all over the world. Having worked in the capital of that crazy England place, London, I could tell you a story or two to get your blood boiling. 🙂 Still I reckon with the right attitude all you can do is laugh at these things. Mind you I don’t find much funny at 7 in the morning.
You ask if we want guest posts, and then you post this gem? Thanks for the laugh.
I often have to tell my oldest daughter to turn down her iPod, as I can hear it across the room. One can do some serious, permanent damage to the little nerve-hair-cells in the inner ear by playing that iPod so loudly.
Okay, and the kicking of the seat is SO annoying — on airplanes, on trains, in theaters, in my own car. I have 4 kids, ages 2 to 14 who all know they are not allowed to kick the seat lest they receive my restraining hand on the kicking ankle along with a stern, “No kicking” warning.
Let me just add… spit out the gum. I do not want your spittle flying into my hair, face, stomach, shoes anywhere near me. Even more important, if I wanted to hear a chomping cow, goat or pig I would have put one on a rope and brought it into the train myself. I have the desire to turn my headphones up to obnoxious levels because you can’t SHUT YOUR FREAKING MOUTH! Remember how mom used to tell you to chew with your mouth closed? She wasn’t just talking about mealtime at the kitchen table.
*end of rant*
Great points, I should keep them all printed on a little 3×5 card and hand them out on my ride to and from work every morning.
@kristen, no, I definitely think you’re staring at my crotch. I think I even saw you doing it today. You were wearing that top and those shoes, right?
My biggest pet peeves:
Bus looking full? Dont sit in the outside (aisle) seat, forcing people to ASK YOUR PERMISSION to take the empty sit youre blocking off. scoot over, jeesh.
Stop getting on on the exit. not only is it annoying that I paid full price while youre getting a free ride, youre blocking the exit, and i have to shimmy past you in the most disgusting body-bumping way just to get off.
mostly agree, except about the shades–i keep mine on at all points during my commute so tourists don’t get any crazy ideas about me being a friendly, helpful Metro rider willing to help them demystify DC’s public transportation system. and i’m definitely not staring at anyone’s crotch.
Dear Clever Dude,
In fourth grade, our teacher made sure we remembered that when we write, the correct way is:
a lot
I enjoy your posts because they are short and you are writing from the heart.
Thank you.
@Cindy, thanks for the compliments. And as for the grammer-check, I’m assuming you’re white based on this article:
Stuff White People Like #99: Grammar
I used to live in Montgomery Village in the ’90s and took the Metro almost every day. Now I only visit the DC area for business so take the Metro only about 5 times a month. It is an “interesting” experience, no doubt about it.
I especially love the shades comment from kristen because I found that when I first moved to the area, no one would help me out if I had a question. I used to make it a point to help those tourists once I figured out the system. Other than that, I have to totally agree with your rant, but especially item 3. I really, really don’t want to run right over or into people so it would be a nice idea for them to pay attention to their surroundings. I’m fairly certain that’s not my job, but I’ve been wrong before.
Great post — thanks!
The one thing I that turns me into angry dude on public transportation … is when fellow commuters try and strech out and reserve both seats for themselves … using backpacks, purses, or just plain bad posture in an attempt to strech out and passive aggressively claim all the space …
I for one will make you move eveything a move over so I or another rider can sit down… give me a break …and I dare you to tell me “no”
Dude, thanks for number 2. Please extend that courtesy during job interviews, board meetings, or any other time were my livelihood requires me to be in an enclosed space with you. I respect your right to die slowly via the cancer stick, please respect my right to breathe.
Great list!
How about one more:
If you have a cold, or a cough, use a tissue, use a hand USE SOMETHING!
Better still, stay home when you are sick!
Your boss knows that you are the one who brought in the cold the next day or two when the rest of the office is out because they caught your cold.
Common sense, whar are ye?
-sigh-
Oh man if only people listened to you on this one! I seriously almost lost it on my way home today hearing a “Beep….Beeep..beeeeep” stupid sound over and over again from some hand held game.
I was like, “AHHHHH Kelly Clarkson!” haha..
Thank you for confirming my greatest fears about public transportation. I clearly do not have the temperment to use these systems. Fight or flight, I lean towards flight and as such will continue to drive my carbon emitter no matter how expensive the fuel gets.
I’m surprised nobody has mentioned makeup. I thankfully get to walk to work these days, but for a good few years I was taking the BART train to San Francisco. I agree with most of the observations mentioned, but another phenomenon was a huge pet peeve for me:
People doing their makeup on the train. It’s 9am, you’re obviously on the way to work but.. whoops! Forgot to do your makeup before you left the house? No Worries! You can apparently do it on the train because your fellow riders aren’t the people you’re trying to impress by putting it on.
Anyone try public transit in Vancouver? Whenever the train or bus is packed full of people standing and barely holding on, you can usually find one or two people sitting on the outside seat of a bench, right next to an empty seat they aren’t willing to share with anyone else. If you’re in transit for 40 minutes or so, you going to really want that seat. And how about getting up when the person sitting on the inside seat next to you is leaving? None of this tucking in your knees business or rotating out a few degrees, this is just uncomfortable and awkward for everyone.
@ Jenny- Ooh, me! I get Vancouver translink every day, last week on the B-line I could have added #11- Please cut your toenails in your own home- one clipping landed on the lap of the person next to me. Horrendous.
Vancouver transit also means hearing how bad your skin itches when you are on your way for your methadone injection.
Clever Dude – I also use Metro to get to work in DC on most days…actually the bus and then the train. I started giving public transportation a try last August, and I estimated that b/w Aug 1 & Dec 31, I saved $300. That was enough for me to keep taking it despite some of the problems that you’ve listed and more. (Obviously, there are some benefits too.)
But to add to your list, here’s a tip for bus riders: if you are standing and more people are getting on, move down the aisle! On the model of Metro bus that I ride, everyone knows that there are some prime places to stand (in the front where there aren’t people sitting and the railings are low/easier to reach). However, if there are more people that need to board, you’ve got to keep moving back so everyone can get on. I love when the driver shouts for everyone to “move back” and then people stand there like 1) they don’t understand (when we know they do) or 2) that doesn’t apply them. But maybe your tip #1 is their problem…
From a fellow Vienna to Capitol South rider, may I tack on an 11th/amendment to #2 –
Hygiene. This is not a condescending, holier-than-thou judgment of all of my fellow riders. Some simply lack the resources and some others – well, we’ve all had that hectic, flossless morning just trying to dash to the station. I get that. What I’m saying is, make an effort. We can smell your morning breath when you talk or yawn – sometimes even when you merely breathe. And if you’re packed among dozens of passengers, are you sure no one else can smell your greasy unwashed hair or the BO left over from Thirsty Thursday? Again, make an effort.
If there are no seats and you’re standing in the aisle, KEEP YOUR BACKPACK OFF MY HEAD.