10 Red Flags You’re in a “Roommate Marriage” (And How to Fix It)
While I’ve not experienced this myself, there are many people out there experiencing what you call a “roommate marriage.” This happens when a couple lives together but has drifted apart emotionally. Of course, every long-term relationship has its ups and downs, but you don’t want it to feel like you’re roommates just cohabitating. If this is something you’re worried about, here are 10 red flags that you should look out for (plus what you can do to bring the “spark” back to your marriage).
1. Physical Affection Is Practically Nonexistent
If kisses, hugs, or even casual touches have disappeared, it could be a warning sign. Physical affection isn’t just about intimacy—it’s a way to bond, express love, and feel close. When touch is missing, emotional distance often follows. Rekindling small forms of affection—like holding hands or a goodnight kiss—can rebuild that physical connection. Intimacy starts with the little things done consistently.
2. You Talk Only About Chores, Bills, and Schedules
When every conversation revolves around who’s picking up the groceries or paying the electric bill, emotional intimacy starts to vanish. Functional talk is necessary, but it shouldn’t be the only type of dialogue between you. Try to show curiosity beyond the household logistics. Emotional connection comes from sharing what’s in your heart—not just your calendar.
3. Date Nights Are a Thing of the Past
If it’s been months or even years since your last real date, that’s a problem. Date nights aren’t just for new couples—they’re crucial for long-term ones, too. Time away from the daily grind lets you reconnect, have fun, and remember why you chose each other. It doesn’t have to be expensive—a walk in the park or coffee alone counts.
4. You Sleep in Separate Spaces—By Choice
There are valid reasons some couples sleep separately, but if it’s become the default and not a mutual agreement, it can signal a deeper issue. Sleeping apart due to snoring or different schedules is one thing—but choosing it to avoid closeness is another. Bedtime can be a vital moment for connection, even if it’s just lying beside one another. Consider creating a calming nighttime routine you can share. Physical proximity often nurtures emotional intimacy.
5. Compliments and Kind Words Are Rare
When was the last time you gave—or received—a genuine compliment? In a roommate marriage, partners often stop noticing the good in each other. This lack of verbal affection can create feelings of neglect and emotional isolation. Expressing appreciation helps your partner feel seen and valued. Start with something simple: “You look great today,” or “Thanks for making dinner.”
6. You Avoid Tough Conversations
If problems get swept under the rug instead of discussed, resentment builds quietly. Roommate marriages often avoid conflict by staying surface-level, but that only creates more distance. Honest, vulnerable conversations are essential to a thriving relationship. Don’t fear discomfort—lean into it with love and patience. Open communication creates space for healing and understanding.
7. There’s No Shared Vision for the Future
Couples in a healthy marriage talk about the future—vacations, retirement, dreams, and goals. But in a roommate marriage, these conversations disappear. Without a shared vision, the relationship can start to feel directionless. Talking about the future builds hope, unity, and purpose. Even small goals—like planning a weekend trip—can reignite excitement.
8. You Feel More Comfortable Alone Than Together
If you’d rather be alone than spend time with your spouse, that’s a major red flag. Everyone needs personal space, but emotional detachment can breed loneliness inside a marriage. Feeling indifferent to their presence or craving distance constantly signals disconnection. Rebuilding comfort starts with small moments of presence—meals together, shared hobbies, or quiet conversation.
9. Conflict Resolution Is Avoided or Nonexistent
Disagreements happen, but if you stop resolving them altogether, tension builds. Roommate marriages often rely on silence or passive avoidance instead of working through problems. This avoidance can create emotional walls that grow harder to tear down over time. Start by reintroducing respectful dialogue, even if it’s uncomfortable at first. Conflict handled with care can actually strengthen your bond.
10. You No Longer Say “I Love You”
It may seem like a small detail, but those three words still matter. If “I love you” has disappeared from your daily vocabulary, your emotional connection may be fading. Saying it reminds both of you of the bond you share. Don’t assume your partner just knows—speak it out loud. Use those words as an anchor to rebuild what’s been lost.
From Roommates Back to Romantic Partners
Do any of these red flags sound familiar? You aren’t alone! Better yet—your marriage isn’t doomed. Even if you’ve found yourself in a “roommate marriage,” you can turn things around by being intentional with your communication and putting in effort. It will take some time, but you’ll find you and your spouse slowly gravitating back toward each other. In the end, marriage goes beyond just sharing a space. You share everything!
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Drew Blankenship is a former Porsche technician who writes and develops content full-time. He lives in North Carolina, where he enjoys spending time with his wife and two children. While Drew no longer gets his hands dirty modifying Porsches, he still loves motorsport and avidly watches Formula 1.