The Single Guy’s Survival Guide: 15 Hilarious (But True) Dating Tips
Most of us could use a little in the fine art of dating. We could present you with a dry list of dating dos and don’ts. However, you would probably forget them faster than you forgot your last girlfriend’s birthday. Anyway, experience is the best teacher. So here we present 15 dating experiences we hope you can learn from.
1. What’s In a Name
It may seem to be a small thing, but remembering your date’s name is an elemental part of courtship. Getting a name wrong can be a deal breaker.
One woman, who dumped a guy after one date, reported that, “the guy called me by the wrong name. Twice. A different wrong name each time.”
2. The Awkward Goodbye
As former Vice-President Dan Quail once said, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” That even applies to dating. As one man can attest. “I once ended a decent date with a nice woman with ‘See ya later man’. Literally right after kissing her.”
3. R-e-s-p-e-c-t
Do we really have to go over this one? It should go without saying that you should show a date respect. I’m just sayin’.
One fellow patted his petite date on the head and told her how excited he was to see how tiny and cute she was. Without speaking, she turned and walked away.
4. Unfortunate Food Move
Food is always a dating minefield. Just think of all the comedies featuring food mishaps. But, you don’t even have to spill the stuff to ruin a date. Consider this from a guy who tripped up even before the food got to the table.
“Brought a girl out for sushi and unknowingly ordered baby octopus. Turns out octopuses are her favorite living things.”
5. Leave Mom at Home
Meeting the family is always a big step in a relationship. However, the first date may be a little early. Consider this antidote from a first and last date.
A couple had agreed to meet at a cafe. The woman was waiting at a table when she saw her date hop out of his mom’s car. He waved as she drove off. Then, the woman says, “Like 20 seconds later she (mom) shows back up and pulls up a seat, turns out she was parking the car to come to join us.”
6. Bring Your Wallet
A woman tells the story of being on a dinner date with a man who forgot his wallet. She was going to pay but had forgotten her wallet as well. The couple persuaded the restaurant to let them leave to get a credit card. The man drove past his house to her house. That way she could get her card and pay the bill.
7. The Misguided Compliment
Honesty is a good policy in any relationship. However, sometimes we need to trim the edges of our candor. Here is an example a young woman shared online. “I was meeting a guy in person for the first time after chatting online for about three months. After the first glance, he said ‘You’re uglier in real life. Your photos are stunning though.'”
8. Be Tasteful
Here is why people give flowers, not onions. Consider this woman’s experience.
“The next time I see him, he gives me a kiss at the door, and immediately I was like ‘Ewww’ at his breath. He goes, ‘I never realized how good onions are, I read that you can eat an onion like an apple, so I tried it! It’s actually pretty good!’
Good for you, not for her – and fatal to the relationship.
9. Smooth Operator
After a dinner date in which a guy gets barbecue sauce all over his white pants, a couple finds themselves parked outside her house. He leans in for the kiss and hits a console button that opens the rear hatch of his car. In addition, it sets off the car alarm, and it will not shut off. “At that point,” says the woman,” he tucked his tail and went home. Never heard from him again.”
10. Dead on Arrival
It is usually not a good idea to take a first date to meet family members. That is especially true if one of the family members is dead. Here is what one woman had to say about such an experience.
“Instead of rescheduling, one guy took me to a funeral on a first date,” the woman said. “Then afterward, while eating dinner, the conversation was so awkward due to nothing in common, I couldn’t even look him in the eye.“
11. Don’t Send Mixed Messages
An enterprising young man took a woman to a swanky restaurant on their first date. The woman was intrigued when she realized he had brought along his backpack. However, the intrigue turned to revulsion when he whipped out a laptop and began a PowerPoint presentation. It turns out he wanted to recruit her for a pyramid scheme. At the end of the night, she declined both his offer to walk her to her door and the MLM.
12. Be Yourself
One woman recounts a first and last date with a man who seemed to be someone other than himself. The charming fellow carried on the entire conversation by trying to mimic the voices of professional wrestlers. He never spoke in his real voice. The cherry on top was when he invited her to join him and his family at Wrestlemania. She executed a verbal pancake in response.
13. No Dog Tricks
A movie date is usually a safe bet for a first date, right? Well, that depends. On one such date, a guy held a picture of a panting dog. Above the dog is the word “kiss?”. When the woman turned to look at the picture – he kissed her. Then he returned to watching the movie and did not make another move all night.
14. Do Not Get It In Writing
It is usually a good idea to get things in writing, but not on a first date. Halfway through the first dinner, one woman recounts, her date pulled out a folder full of papers. Upon reading the first few pages, the woman found that the document was a contract for dating and marrying him. It included specific requirements. The woman responded by laughing and leaving.
15. Do Not Over Correct
A woman used a Polish phrase on a date. The man involved then “corrected” her pronunciation. Then he went on to tell her how important it was to speak Polish properly. He knew because his grandmother was Polish. However, the woman had been raised in Poland and received her education from grade school to college in Poland. Do widzenia (that is goodbye in Polish – we have no idea how you pronounce it).
Relax
You do not have to be perfect to be appealing to women. You do have to be honest, open, and respectful. Remember, dating is not a performance art. It is the art of being yourself. If you can do that – chances are you will find someone who likes you for that alone.
Max K. Erkiletian began writing for newspapers while still in high school. He went on to become an award-winning journalist and co-founder of the print magazine Free Bird. He has written for a wide range of regional and national publications as well as many on-line publications. That has afforded him the opportunity to interview a variety of prominent figures from former Chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank Paul Volker to Blues musicians Muddy Waters and B. B. King. Max lives in Springfield, MO with his wife Karen and their two cats. He spends as much time as possible with his kids, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.